Friday Faces: Book Club — Talking To Strangers

Hello, it is Friday and we have another Friday Faces: Book Club for you. This week’s book is Talking to Strangers: What We Should Know About the People We Don’t Know by Malcolm Gladwell. We had lots of staff read this particular book, so settle in to learn about the book and about our spectacular staff. (Be sure to make it to the end, you’ll find out something a few of them have in common.)

In Talking to Strangers, Gladwell explores why it is so difficult to do. Talking to Strangers is a sweeping survey tour of miscommunication, through stories taken from the headlines and history books. It’s a fascinating, if sometimes meandering journey. His premise in these tales is that humans “default to truth” – that is, we tend to take on face value the things people tell us, even if we should know better. He takes us through an exploration of the assumptions and mistakes we make when dealing with people we don’t know.

Something is very wrong, Gladwell argues, with the tools and strategies we use to make sense of people we don’t know. And because we don’t know how to talk to strangers, we are inviting conflict and misunderstanding in ways that have a profound effect on our lives and our world.

Why should someone add this book to their reading list?

• Sonja: Malcolm Gladwell always finds a new way to approach old topics and find new topics to spark fresh debate and conversation.
• Betsi: This book starts out one way, takes several twists and turns and you forgot why you originally wanted to read it, and then it comes back around and wraps it all up—it’s like a rollercoaster for your mind. Every section provides new and interesting nuggets I hadn’t known and/or considered before, and I have continued to ponder almost daily what Malcolm reveals about the way we interact with strangers.
• Valerie: The author is a great storyteller. Each chapter is essentially what seems like unrelated vignettes that somehow come together in the end. It is certainly a timely book considering how divided we are right now; much of the book is how and why we make assumptions about others. Is this good? Bad? A little of both? I highly recommend the audiobook version as there is a lot of audio from the actual subjects being discussed.
• Debbie: It’s a fascinating look into the complexities of understanding human behavior, actions, and relationships. The book delves into real-world cases that leave us pondering how such misunderstandings and misguidance can occur.
• Cade: We’re clearly living in a very polarized time and with the addition of a global pandemic, upcoming elections, and mass protests, now more than ever we could all benefit from working on listening and being more empathetic and humble. Through a series of vignettes, Malcolm Gladwell makes this argument well.
• Cozy: We think we know and understand others better than they could ever know and understand ourselves. The illusion of asymmetric insight (the conviction that you know someone better than they know you) rings every bell in my head. How often are we sure that we are interpreting the motives, reasons, actions of others– certain that our assessment of them is capital C Correct? And as we lean back and reflect upon the self-appointed reasons for their behaviors, we never for a moment ponder how they too are assessing our own motives and reasons. And then if we did even consider that they might be considering us, we are certain that it is our assertion of them that is RIGHT, not theirs of us. This is (one of) the mistakes we make with strangers and why so often things break d..o…w…n. There are many, many other insights that resonated during my reading and then promptly left my brain for a place I wish so very longingly to access. Inside of there– within the place of the inaccessible are countless other bits of information that would be interesting for you to know about this book and why you should read it. Or maybe why you shouldn’t read it. But you should– stranger that you are to me, person that I (think I) know much better than you know me. It’s a good one.
• Jennifer: Talking to Strangers was not the book I expected it to be. Malcolm Gladwell helps the reader to realize that we should never judge a book by its cover, or a person based on our assumptions and initial observations. He uses countless real-life scenarios to make the point that people will default to truth, judge a person based on transparency, among other theories.
• Jeannett: It really forces you to adjust your thinking and even put yourself in the shoes of people from recent headlines…you’d be surprised at the level of compassion, or at least reassessment, you might feel for some of the “bad guys” you had your opinions about!

The conviction that we know others better than they know us—and that we may have insights about them they lack (but not vice versa)—leads us to talk when we would do well to listen and to be less patient than we ought to be when others express the conviction that they are the ones who are being misunderstood or judged unfairly. The same convictions can make us reluctant to take advice from others who cannot know our private thoughts, feelings, interpretations of events, or motives, but all too willing to give advice to others based on our views of their past behavior, without adequate attention to their thoughts, feelings, interpretations, and motives.

— Talking to Strangers by Malcolm Gladwell

How did this book impact you?

• Sonja: One of the most impactful sections of the book for me was a discussion about the wide spectrum of body language people use to display emotions. We are used to thinking emotion is only expressed in certain ways; for example, sadness must include frowns and a depressed demeanor. Yet Gladwell shows again and again that this preconceived notion just isn’t the case. Different cultures express emotion differently and even different individuals within the same culture express emotion differently. Too often it is easy to make a snap judgment about someone’s reaction and come up with a totally false perception of a person. Reading this section made me stop and think of particular interactions I have had with people where I have gotten frustrated because they emotionally “aren’t getting it”. Maybe the problem isn’t them not getting me, but me not getting them.
• Betsi: We are just so much more complex than we give ourselves credit for! Many of the tools we employ to interact, understand, and discern others’ are faulty—not nearly as accurate as we think they are—and we get it wrong a lot of the time. But the alternative is to live in cultures (big and small) that are paranoid and distrusting. It’s hard to swallow the reality that I don’t know people as well as I think I do, but embracing this frees me to listen more attentively and to more humbly approach my fellow humans. Knowing you know nothing is everything.
• Valerie: I was a little frustrated toward the end of the book as I was hoping it would come a little bit more full circle. That feeling of, “Wait, it’s over?” But, upon further thought perhaps that is what the author was doing. Just getting you thinking about the issue at hand, not giving a solution.
• Debbie: As a reader, I found myself wondering how to trust my instinct or how can I ever know what I would like to know about someone? How do I engage in meaningful relationships and conversations with new people? If anything, I learned that human interaction must be approached with caution and respect, to not make assumptions based on surface facts.
• Cade: Initially, I was frustrated with what I saw as a lack of cohesiveness to Gladwell’s arguments which is unusual. He didn’t provide pat answers as to how we can cure what ails us, and his encouragement to be more respectful and humble, initially at least, wasn’t satisfying. Soon after putting down his book, though, I found myself wanting to talk about it and recommended it to family and friends. I challenged myself to actively work on being more humble, something we can all do, by trying to be a better listener, resuming my practice of keeping a gratitude journal, and continuing to strive to be present, both when I’m alone and with others.
• Jennifer: The book begins and ends with the analysis of the Sandra Bland case of an African American woman being pulled over in a rural Texas community for a minor traffic infraction, which escalates, with the end result of her suicide a few days later charged with a felony for assault. Gladwell helps to explain all of the ways people don’t know how to “Talk to Strangers.” I will now consider his theories before making assumptions about anybody, especially strangers. It helped me to see the development of a policing method that has led to profiling people, but that this method is extremely flawed which connects to the recent unrest in our country. Bottom line…things need to change!
• Jeannett: This book was so strange for me…while reading it, I didn’t particularly love it. YET. I am constantly thinking about it, talking about it, referring back to it, and…even recommending it! It gets under your proverbial skin, in a way you don’t realize as you read and impacts you in ways you didn’t know was happening!

We think we can easily see into the hearts of others based on the flimsiest of clues. We jump at the chance to judge strangers. We would never do that to ourselves, of course. We are nuanced and complex and enigmatic. But the stranger is easy. If I can convince you of one thing in this book, let it be this: Strangers are not easy.

— Talking to Strangers by Malcolm Gladwell

What is your go-to reading spot?

• Sonja: The porch swing in the back of my house. It’s gets beautiful direct sunshine in the cold mornings and comfortable shade in the afternoon.
• Betsi: Reading for me has always been permission to lounge (I’m not very good at this otherwise)—feet up or laying down, and if inside I’ll take a blanket please. Mostly I prefer a sunny day by a body of water (pool or beach), but if at home, I prefer my chaise rattan lounge chair in my house with a few of the ocean.
• Valerie: My bed – end of the day ritual. Also any place I anticipate waiting (dentist, swim lesson, etc.) – I try to remember to bring my book. Much better than looking at a screen.
• Debbie: A window seat/bench in my family room. It’s next to a window that looks like out into our bird garden. We have bird feeders and a birdbath and I love watching the birds come and joyfully eat, drink, and bathe. Sometimes it’s hard to read in that spot because I get so entranced watching the birds. 🙂
• Cade: Lately, it’s been the living room couch because I will oftentimes find myself next to at least one other family member lost in a book.
• Cozy: Right now the treadmill. It’s a twofer: exercise and reading. Zero guilt!
• Jennifer: The beach….there is nothing like a beautiful view, tranquil waves crashing, warm and comforting sun to help take me into the world of the book I am reading.
• Jeannett: As an introvert in a very loud, boisterous home of extroverts, my go-to self-care is heading to bed early and reading. Even if just for 15 minutes. It’s agreed upon in the family that once mom “goes to bed” she’s there to decompress. Don’t bother her unless you’re bleeding profusely…and even then, talk to Dad.

What fictional character would you be best friends with in real life?

• Sonja: Anne of Green Gables. I always have loved hanging out with energetic people who see the world through their own unique lens.
• Betsi: SO MANY. But one character I’ve always wanted to be pals with is Puck from a Midsummer Night’s Dream.
• Valerie: Anne Shirley. Or the band of women librarians in Giver of Stars.
• Debbie: Anne Shirley (from Anne of Green Gables).
• Cade: The younger me would have definitely chosen Harry Potter. Who could ask for a more loyal friend and, oh, the adventures we would have enjoyed together! Now, Samwise Gamgee. Show me a better friend.
• Cozy:  I want to be friends with Lee from East of Eden.
• Jennifer: Juan de Paraja – I love this character! So kind and humble.
• Jeannett: Jo from Little Women. Anne of Green Gables. Sassy, opinionated female characters are always my favorite.

Wow! Thank you to these fabulous staff for taking the time to share with us!

How about you? Have you read Talking To Strangers? What are your thoughts? Share in the comments.

OR 

Share with us what fictional character you would be best friends with. There would never be a dull moment with Anne Shirley as your bosom friend.